ranting about my stupid fantasies and then venting about how friendless i am
what i've noticed is that all of my life i've been thinking of ideal fantasy versions of things then experiencing the reality and feeling disappointed. it's something even my mom has pointed out!!!! it makes me kinda depressed to think about (╥﹏╥)
one of the biggest examples is romanticizing high school when i was in elementary... i used to play roblox high school a lot and was obsessed with equestria girls so im not too shocked about it. but now i'm actually in high school and i don't even go irl. Yeah. I Hate My Life.
i've also had this idea in my mind that one day i'll find someone irl that will have the same interests as me and be my friend... all of my online friends have at least one irl!!!! and yet i have none!!
the last therapist i had (about a year ago?) was actually attempting to get me to make some friends! unfortunately i refuse to ever do public school again (everyone there is evil and hates me and wants me to kill myself) and i could never find anything to go to that's related to my interests. i genuinely think i'm doomed (ㅎ.ㅎ)
i don't really think my mom supports me making friends actually. she told me the friends i want are just a fantasy version i made up in my mind and that i don't need friends (or something along those lines i don't rlly remember......) and it makes me really upset. i tried to tell her i need friends but she doesn't listen i think.
in general i don't think anyone takes my need for real life interaction seriously. it's like i'm a joke to these people!! do they think i'm exaggerating about having no real life friends or do they genuinely not care???
like i guess i have some online friends but outside of one gc i have very few... if that gc ever has a falling out i'm basically doomed. also online friends can't really replace the connection you can have with someone irl... not for me anyways
also not to mention most of my online friends are older than me. not concerningly older but old enough to make me feel like an infant (like at least a year older) and it makes me kind of sad because everyone on the internet thinks i am the youngest person ever. although i can't blame them LOL i even get shocked when i see other people my age online. but it's still a mild annoyance,,, it was only socially acceptable to be 15 before like 2020 now they just kill you
this kinda turned into a vent about being a friendless loser #sorry. um. Wow the more i think about it shadow milk cookie is INSANELY relatable in that aspect. actually no he has pure vanilla and i don't have a pure vanilla so i'm lonelier than him. Thats actually kinda sad to think about uhhh Bye
